A blog about heartbreak.

My Ex is engaged, to the woman he left me for a year ago. 

I literally shrugged my shoulders when I first found out. I was proud I wasn’t phased by the news; all the more confirmation I was so past that relationship and him.

Three days later, however, I found myself in the fetal position on the floor, bawling my eyes out - and the waterworks haven’t really stopped. I can say with all sincerity that it isn’t about him. I do not miss him, I do not wish to be married to him, I do not wish it were me. No no no, god, none of that! It’s about feeling utterly forgettable.

The Ex and I dated for six years and in a blink of an eye, he was with her. Just like that. They moved in together before I was even through my first pint of Ben & Jerry’s. I dated the guy for six years and I was replaced and forgotten in a (banana) split second. 

The realization of this is one of my biggest insecurities; that I am someone people can just walk away from. I am not the girl the guy chases. I am fairly confident I will never be referred to by anyone as “the one that got away.” No one has ever fought for me; they’ve just seemed to forgotten me.

Good lord, it is such the cliche to go on an emotional bender after hearing your ex is engaged. I’ll give myself the pass to be weepy for another day (it’s raining out anyways, what else do I have to do?). But then on Monday, I’m going to pull myself together and remind myself someone someday is going to make me forget I was ever, ever forgotten.

A year ago today I received an e-mail from my then-boyfriend of 5.5 years breaking up with me. 

I felt broken, confused and betrayed. Everything in the wake of my heartbreak was uncertain except for one thing: My life was never going to be the same.

And I was right … sort of. My life hasn’t been the same: It’s been so much better. 

I look back on the 12 months to realize not only did I merely survive this year but I thrived within it: I’ve re-connected with friends, made new fulfilling friendships, got a new job, moved to Portland, backpacked around Brazil, lost 40 pounds, gained back my fitness, dated for the first time in my life, grew closer to both my parents, and learned a helluva lot about myself (some good, some bad but all good to know). It’s been a fun, scary, dynamic, and joyful year and I am grateful for every single day of it.

Of course, I still have work to do - on myself, on my body, on my relationships with others - but I am optimistic going into this next year. This blog, and the life it chronicles, is no longer about heartbreak; it’s now just about heart.

Thank you all sincerely for being there with and for me. 

- B.

Em.: We have now been seeing each other for two months. I don’t know what this means or where it is going, but I am enjoying his company. 

Dartmouth: Probably over? Last communication was him asking if we can take things slow and me asking for us to talk about what that means at some point. Then he left for a trip for a week or so. He is back today. Maybe he will contact me to talk, maybe he won’t; I can’t say I care so much either way. If he wants to still see me, he knows what to do.

The Climber: I went on my first date with The Climber two weeks ago when Dartmouth dropped off the face of the planet and Em. was being a brat. We had two great dates and I am seeing him again on Friday. I like him a lot and boy, is he ever cute. Mmm.

After finally standing up for myself and setting a boundary with Em., I can’t help but notice an improvement in his overall behavior and the way he talks about our relationship. Evidence:

a. Last night he surprised me with an impromptu date. We typically hang out once or twice a week, always on the same days. He just texted me out of the blue to say he missed me and wanted to see me. He also dressed up a bit more than usual and wore cologne. It was a little adorable.

b. When I mentioned I had a social gathering at my place the night before, he was offended that I didn’t invite him. I asked him “Would you have come?” And he said “Of course, why wouldn’t I?” I told him I thought it might be weird for him to meet my friends and he laughed and asked why that would be weird. 

c. When I mentioned my mother was coming to town this week, he became very invested in helping me find a good restaurant to take her to and started asking questions about my relationship with my mother. At one point he said “Did you tell your mother you have a boyfriend?” I could not tell if he was joking or not so chose not to respond, but the word lingered in the air for a few minutes.

Also, it just occurred to me that I’ve been seeing Em. now for two months. I don’t point this out for any reason other than just earlier this year I had serious doubts that I would ever be able to get past a first date with anyone. It’s nice to have resolved that insecurity a bit.

Dating two men simultaneously is funny. Now a month and a half into dating them both, I have noticed if things are going well with one, they are going less well with the other. 

After a week of no communication while out of town, Dartmouth texted me yesterday to say he was still interested in seeing me but he needs to take it slow. I wasn’t surprised by this as we had a previous conversation about the baggage from his last long-term relationship. Besides that, I completely agree there is really no need to get any place fast. He asked if that was okay, to which I responded yes, but it would be helpful to talk about what that means to make sure we have a common understanding. So maybe things are not over with Dartmouth but I am going to be very clear that I do have certain communication needs that have to be met with anyone I am dating (e.g. call if you say you are going to call).

Then there is Em. The last few weeks with him have been really great - but then Tuesday happened. We had a misunderstanding and I’m not sure where things stand now. It is as stupid as I thought we were joking around and he was being serious and I didn’t realize I pissed him off until it was too late. He was in a bad mood from something that happened earlier that day and so I don’t think it was just me that set him off. I am giving him some space for the next few days; I feel he will eventually come around. I know I treat him too well for him to stay away for too long.

I wonder what goes through the head of the person who doesn’t call.

I know - all too well - what goes through the head of the person who isn’t being called: It must be me. I’m a freak. He found another girl who doesn’t have thighs like a Northern California redwood tree and who has never had a single flyaway hair. Maybe he went hiking and got lost and he is roaming around the woods, frantically trying to find a way to get back to me. Poor baby! Okay, I can see he logged into Facebook yesterday. He’s a jerkface, I hate him, I’m sooo better off without him …why won’t he call me??!!1

I hypothsize men who blow off women are either laughing quietly to themselves at how awesome they are or walking around with a moderately heavy bag of guilt. Some are probably high-fiving themselves at their ability to successfully get out of a relationship without any confrontation or injury to their ego. Oh man, I can’t believe I’m getting away with this! She didn’t even see it coming! I’m so awesome, brah!

But I hope, for the sake of my faith in humanity, most are walking around with their tails between their legs.

If I were to just stop calling or communicating with a person I was dating, I would probably feel a perennial cocktail of emotions: Anxiety about running into the person at the supermarket or while running along the river, remorse when walking by places we went on our dates, nervous whenever I receive a new text message alert that could potentially be an angry “Fuck you!” text from the jilted, self-loathing and cowardly because I thought I was better than that.

But I guess that’s why I consider myself a relatively emotionally mature person - I could never not follow through or do something that blatantly disrespectful. I wouldn’t be able to handle the consequence of emotions nor make peace with being an asshole.

Yesterday I received a call from Em. (one of the two guys I am seeing) from the hospital. Apparently he was hit by a car while biking to work and was left unconscious on the side of the road in downtown Portland for 30 minutes before someone called an ambulance. His whole face was cut up and stitched up and he had obviously a concussion. 

Unfortunately he called while I was at work on a crucial day. I expressed sincere sympathy and asked if there was anything I could do. He eventually asked if I would stay the night with him as the nurses said he shouldn’t be alone due to potential head trauma.

[Cue sound of record needle scratching]

Welp, that changed things a bit. Em. and I have hung out about four times and as I’ve mentioned, it’s been fairly casual and entirely playful. But suddenly now we’re holding hands and he’s asking me to take care of him…

It isn’t a big deal but it is some kind of deal, I know that. It occurred to me that in answering his request, I would in some ways be making a decision about the nature of this relationship. It wasn’t a DTR moment but I knew my response had some weight on whether we would ever have a DTR conversation.

It’s all contrary to my current philosophy on dating right now is this: Just let it happen. Don’t overthink anything, don’t try to force something, there shall be absolutely no efforting of any sorts. I suppose it reeks of naiveté, but I thought I could avoid having to make any sort of conscious decision regarding any relationship I was in. This is where that bubble burst.

After a pause, I decided that I cared enough for the guy and hell, I’m a nurturer by nature. So I said yes and he came over, bruised and battered. I got him gelato and we watched silly videos late into the night. Perhaps it was the head trauma or the pain medication, but he was super sweet and affectionate. It was a good night.

In the morning I ran across the street and got him breakfast and we ate in bed before I had to jet to work. A few hours later, his Facebook status called me (anonymously by nickname) “the best” and he sent me a sweet text message thanking me for treating him so well. I coulda said the very same thing to him.

1. Try really hard to be low-maintenance. Let him play on his XBox 360 instead of helping you with the dishes, volunteer to spend time with his family, always insist you don’t care where you eat tonight and never ever tell him you hate that ridiculous sleeveless hoodie he always wears. He will eventually become disinterested in the lack of drama in your relationship.

2. Lull each other into a nice comfortable rut of complacency, repetition and routine. Your partner will grow to resent you for being so accommodating and compatible, which you thought all along was what made your relationship so successful.

3. Be a complicated woman with goals, interests of your own and a sense of purpose. This will intimidate him and he will eventually try to overcompensate for his own insecurities.

4. Try to have exciting sex. Suggest new positions or activities which he will internalize as a critique on his sexual prowess. Spend the night reassuring him that he is a good lover as is. Return to your usual routine.

5. When he dumps you out of the blue, beg for him to stay with you and cry a lot. This final act of patheticness will make him even more resolute in his decision that he can do better and will guarantee he will never ever be sexually attracted to you again.