“Drop!” went the other shoe.
On Monday, D. matter-of-factly told me in September he is quitting his job and going to Mexico City. Indefinitely.
“Oh. Wow. Um, that’s exciting,” I managed to say in my state of surprise.
There was nothing else from him on the matter: Not a bit of “I know this will affect us…” or “We should talk about this.” It was basically like he put a scorching hot rock in my hand and walked away.
The rest of the night was - expectedly - off. I faked my way through dinner conversation and remained pretty quiet afterwards on our long walk around Portland. He asked a few times why I was so pensive and I told him I was processing some stuff and I needed some time to think. I could tell he was a little nervous but I wanted to prevent myself from blurting out the question screaming in my head: What about us?
It took me a few days to realize that I wasn’t so much upset that he is leaving - it’s his life and it’s way to early for me to expect he takes me into consideration of his future- but what really hurt is that he brought it up like it wasn’t going to affect us, or me, at all. I felt really unimportant to him in that moment.
We didn’t have a chance to talk on the following days except for the random usual daily texts. Last night we finally got to talk - sort of. I waited up for him to get done from the bar and we talked until 5:30 a.m. but it wasn’t exactly productive because we were sleepy and both trying so hard not to make it a heavy conversation.
Basically, it came down to him saying he likes staying in the present with his relationships and the “what ifs” (like “Will we still be together by the time you leave?”) are impossible to know, so why bother thinking about them? And furthermore, he told me this is what he does: Every few years or months, he leaves. I’ve known that since Day 1 and it’s something we’ve really bonded over - our travels, our sense of adventure, our desire to traverse the whole world and not live a conventional life. My response was it doesn’t change the fact that it sucks.
Now I’m left trying to figure out if I should make the most of these remaining months with him and have a good summer before he leaves or if I should just tap out and save myself the heartbreak. I could get out now and it’ll hurt (not to mention I’ll always wonder what I gave up) but god, what agony will I be in September when he leaves if I stick it out?
To add to my confusion, I still don’t know what I want. I don’t know if I want a long-term boyfriend right now. I don’t know if I want to just have a light-hearted summer with him with the expiration date in mind. I really like him and he really likes me, but neither of us know each other well enough to reserve future plans for each other. It’s been less than 2 months, for chrissake.
I’m not going to make a decision today but it’s pretty much all I will be thinking about, surely.
There is a Ghost.
Yesterday D. called me at work and said what ever girl wants to hear: “I’m taking you out for an amazing meal tonight.”
That meal turned out to be at a fine dining restaurant right under my ex Em.’s apartment. If there was no background music at this place, we would have been able to hear him walking around upstairs.
I didn’t want to tell D. at first because he wanted to eat there and besides that, Screw Em., I thought to myself, I can eat wherever I fucking want.
I must’ve been a little jumpy though because before the first course, D. asked if everything was alright. I explained the circumstances and he asked if I wanted to leave. I said no; there was no reason.
D. then asked “What will you do if you see him?”
It was a good question and despite months of picturing in my head our first re-encounter, I still didn’t have the answer. I have not seen or spoken to Em. since January 31 when we had our final conversation that night and shortly thereafter I de-friended him on Facebook upon learning he was already seeing someone else.
But I won’t lie: I still think about Em. Mostly, I think about how awful he was to me and how I am better and healthier without him. Sometimes, however, I think about how I miss him, or rather miss the person I thought he could be and the person he might be with his new girlfriend. I think about what it would feel like to run into them together. I think about how I compare to her, if I do at all.
Those thoughts are folly and fortunately, fleeting. It doesn’t take more than a second to snap out of it with the assurance that I am happier and more confident without him, especially now that I am with someone who makes me feel nothing short of joyful and treats me so damn well.
All the same, Em. remains a ghost. His presence is felt every time I bike down Belmont, walk into the bar where we spent New Years’ together, or remember an inside joke between us. He is a ghost that haunts me in every place, from my mind to the attic of the restaurant where I am just trying to enjoy a nice meal with someone else.
Big Deal > Talk
All I wanna do is talk
But seeing you fucks me up.
I don’t want to hear about her.
A succinct answer to why we broke up:
In the end, Em. and I wanted different things: He wanted to be an asshole and I didn’t want to date an asshole.
On Composure, Pt. II
A follow-up to “On Composure” :
There is little I can do to make this situation with Em. better but there is a lot I can do to make it worse. Sometimes, doing nothing is the best only thing you can do.
Today I discovered Em. is already dating someone already.
I noticed he recently friended a girl on Facebook and over the last week, she’s liked just about every thing he posted on Facebook. I tried to not let myself jump to conclusions but my intuition told me something was going on. Then today I saw pictures on her wall of she and him at the Oregon coast.
Em. and I talked about going to the coast together so many times but it never happened. We ended things just a week ago and he’s already on “going-to-the-coast terms” with this new girl? EFF THAT.
I can’t shake this feeling that I’ve come to know so well, the feeling of being fucking jilted.
Post-Break Up Routine
Everyone has a post-break up routine. In Sex & The City, Carrie called up her fuck buddy. I have friends who swear off dating for a few months and other friends who sign up for Match the next day. Some girls eat ice cream, some girls eat nothing. (You get the point.)
My post-break up pattern, the best I can tell, is to do the following immediately after a relationship ends:
- Cut and color my hair (salon appointment already booked)
- Travel (on Monday I booked tickets for Morocco for March!)
- Get three steps ahead at work
- Kill it in the gym. (I admit I am already a gym fanatic but after a break-up I tend to channel all my emotions into my fitness routine)
- Keep myself occupied with friends. I don’t think I’ve been alone for the last two weeks…
- Clean my apartment. Like really clean my apartment
- Purge my closet of anything that I am not excited to wear
- Take care of all those lingering tasks and errands I’ve been putting off (for example, detailing my car and organizing the files on my harddrive)
- Tarot (what, it’s fun!)
Last night I made a very long to-do list for these things to accomplish in the next few weeks. Once I get all of these checked off, I will feel ready to date again. I have an urge to just sign up for OK Cupid today but I know that I need to take some time first to “secure my base” and get my act together. Putting yourself back out there when you’re just all over the place doesn’t do anyone justice.
I’d love to know: Do you have a personal post-break up routine?
The End with Em.
Last night Em. and I finally talked and officially ended things. It was the most mature, kind, and honest conversations we have had in the last 7 months. If only we were able to talk with each other like that when we were in the relationship, we probably would not be out of it.
If I learned only one thing from the conversation it was this: I didn’t know shit.
Until the very end.
In case there were any lingering doubts, there’s nothing like a break-up to really make it clear how little you meant to the other person.
- On Wednesday, Em. texted to ask if we could talk Thursday.
- On Thursday, Em. texted and called to ask if we could talk Friday.
- On Friday, Em. texted to ask if we could reschedule because he was sick.
- On Saturday and Sunday, Em. didn’t text or call me at all.
- On Sunday night, I called Em. to ask if we could talk. Em. did not answer the phone.
- On Monday night - tomorrow - I officially give up.
I really really hoped we could end this with civility. It would have meant so much to talk to him and say goodbye in person. But that’s just it, isn’t it? I spent the last 7 months hoping he would come through for me. And he never really did, never really could, up until the very end.
After this exchange, Em. called me so I would not feel blown off, which was very considerate. He told me we needed to talk and I told him I did not want to have the conversation on the phone. He said he understood and he would come over Friday night.
While we didn’t get into the thick of it, he said the following that kind of broke my heart:
“I didn’t start thinking about ending things because of our disagreement on Thursday night. I started thinking about it when I leaned in to kiss you and you turned your head and pulled away from me. You’ve never done that before. And then I looked back when I got out of the car and you looked so sad as you drove away. I realized I don’t make you happy. You’re not happy with me.”
I was stunned, in part because I wasn’t aware I did that and also because I convinced myself that Em. doesn’t really care about my feelings in all this. But maybe he does, or did, rather. I know tonight we are going to be broken up and it’s going to be hard for me to say goodbye. He said it isn’t goodbye because he still wants to be in my life but I told him I would have to think about it. I don’t think I can just be friends with him and watch him find the next girl and give her all the things he could not give to me. It would hurt like hell to see that.
Tonight he is coming over for dinner and what I hope is a civil conversation that does justice to our last 7 months together. I’m preparing myself for the shittiest weekend ever when it is over.
