A blog about heartbreak.

In the end, Em. and I wanted different things: He wanted to be an asshole and I didn’t want to date an asshole.

In case there were any lingering doubts, there’s nothing like a break-up to really make it clear how little you meant to the other person. 

• On Wednesday, Em. texted to ask if we could talk Thursday.
• On Thursday, Em. texted and called to ask if we could talk Friday.
• On Friday, Em. texted to ask if we could reschedule because he was sick.
• On Saturday and Sunday, Em. didn’t text or call me at all.
• On Sunday night, I called Em. to ask if we could talk. Em. did not answer the phone.
• On Monday night - tomorrow - I officially give up.

I really really hoped we could end this with civility. It would have meant so much to talk to him and say goodbye in person. But that’s just it, isn’t it?  I spent the last 7 months hoping he would come through for me. And he never really did, never really could, up until the very end.

My Ex is engaged, to the woman he left me for a year ago. 

I literally shrugged my shoulders when I first found out. I was proud I wasn’t phased by the news; all the more confirmation I was so past that relationship and him.

Three days later, however, I found myself in the fetal position on the floor, bawling my eyes out - and the waterworks haven’t really stopped. I can say with all sincerity that it isn’t about him. I do not miss him, I do not wish to be married to him, I do not wish it were me. No no no, god, none of that! It’s about feeling utterly forgettable.

The Ex and I dated for six years and in a blink of an eye, he was with her. Just like that. They moved in together before I was even through my first pint of Ben & Jerry’s. I dated the guy for six years and I was replaced and forgotten in a (banana) split second. 

The realization of this is one of my biggest insecurities; that I am someone people can just walk away from. I am not the girl the guy chases. I am fairly confident I will never be referred to by anyone as “the one that got away.” No one has ever fought for me; they’ve just seemed to forgotten me.

Good lord, it is such the cliche to go on an emotional bender after hearing your ex is engaged. I’ll give myself the pass to be weepy for another day (it’s raining out anyways, what else do I have to do?). But then on Monday, I’m going to pull myself together and remind myself someone someday is going to make me forget I was ever, ever forgotten.

Em.-

You don’t know this yet, but on Saturday I’m ending things with you. I’m not doing it tonight because you decided to stay home and play some computer game instead of seeing me (sure hope you had fun killing those mystical Elven warlords or whatever). I’m not doing it tomorrow night, either, because I’ve decided to go out with my good friends, the same friends who wore expressions of abject horror when I finally told them tonight about my relationship with you.

I saw in their horrified faces what I’ve been too ashamed and too stupid to admit to myself: You don’t treat me well. 

I’ve been sugar-coating the last few months to them - to everybody - because I was too embarrassed to admit that I allow someone to treat me like you do. I’ve minimized the amount of stress, anxiety and self-doubt your actions have produced in me; how unspecial you have made me feel.

Oh, you want some examples?

I’m so glad you asked. In no particular order, here are some of the reasons I gotta let you go:

1. We have been hanging out for almost five months. Number of times we have been out in public? Once, our first date. Every other occasion has been hanging out in my apartment, eating my food, watching movies on my Netflix account and making a mess I gotta clean up the next day. I have never even seen your apartment and you make four times as much as I do; why don’t you bring the damn beer sometime?
2. The other day you told me that your friends often ask you “Em, why don’t you have a girlfriend?” and you tell them “I don’t need one, I have a special pal!”  I can’t decide which is worse: that you said this to them or that you thought it would be okay to re-tell this to me, without any consideration for how it would make me feel one week after I told you I wanted to be in a relationship with you.
3. This weekend my sister and best friend got married. I mentioned several times it was a big deal for me and I was going to Bellingham for Thanksgiving for my sister’s wedding. When I got back, you didn’t inquire about it. I asked you later if you remembered why I was gone for a week and you said “No, should I?” Yes, Em., you should have. 
4. A few months ago I made a list of things that defined the meaningful relationship I desired in my life. At the top of the list was knowing each other’s middle names without it being awkward to ask. The other night you learned my middle name and when I asked what yours was in return, you said “Penis.” No further comment necessary.
5. I never initiate contact with you. Like, ever. Because the few times I did send a text asking if you wanted to hang out, you ignored me. Not just for an hour or two, but sometimes days. So I now just let you decide when you want to hang out. I wait around like an idiot most evenings waiting for you to contact me. Sorry, but I should not feel anxious at the idea of shooting you a text message to ask if you want to come over after 4+ months.

There you have it, Em. These are the things I’m going to say to you on Saturday… assuming you don’t blow me off for another computer game. 

When I end things, I don’t kid myself that you will be upset. You won’t put up a fight for me, and that’s what really will hurt me. I convinced myself too long that you cared and you would one day come to your senses. I let this behavior happen to me passively, time and time again. I haven’t exercised the self-respect I should’ve. 

Don’t worry about me, Em., I’ll be fine. I’ll be heartbroken for awhile, but it’s sure as hell better than being a broken person, which is what this relationship is doing to me, a little bit every day.

See you Saturday, pal.

B.

p.s. I really really liked you. Why you’d have to go and ruin a good thing?

I want to text you oh-so passive aggressive things. I want to make cryptic Facebook status updates that you and you alone would know were about you. I want to change my picture to the hottest one I can find so you’ll know what you’re missing. I want to re-join OK Cupid and go on a 1000 dates in a week. I want to patron the places I know you frequent and coquettishly laugh and touch the arm of a man when I see you walk into the room. I want to yell, just a little bit, and throw something of fragility across the room. I want one of my good-looking but strictly platonic male friends to post on my Facebook wall with an inside joke you’ll never get. I want to leave you a drunk voicemail from the sidewalk outside of a loud bar. I want you to know how you hurt me and I want you to know you haven’t hurt me at all.

But these wants are just impulses, a fight-or-flight kneejerk reaction to perceived rejection. I must exercise restraint because what I really need right now is to keep my damn composure.

Composure is refraining from attention-seeking behavior that might make me feel better for 30 seconds but exponentially worse immediately thereafter when I don’t get the reaction I desired. It is being above pettiness, drama, desperation and running down the street crying with mascara running down my face.

Composure is just merely existing, simply and with nonchalance, and not allowing myself be blown over until this whole mess blows over.

Last week I mentioned I sent an e-mail to my ex. I was not expecting any response so imagine my surprise when after 5 months it finally appeared in my inbox: The Closure E-mail.

(Now granted, I think it should have been a Closure Phone Call or a Closure In- Person Conversation, but it’s fitting since he dumped my ass by e-mail he would do the same to make up for it)

The e-mail basically said the following:

• He’s sorry (!!!!)
• He said he was keeping a lot from me and he knows that was wrong
• He did start seeing Eyebrow when we were still dating. The only details he offered was it happened “haphazardly” (Well duh, no one ever plans to fall in love with a girl with a unibrow…)
• It was all about him being selfish and it was not my fault
• He said he wasn’t being dishonest when he told me why we broke up, he just needed to start his life over when he got the chance to move to Austin 
• And he ends it with: “After what i’ve done to you, you deserve closure.  But i can’t really provide much other than to tell you I’m happy for the time we had together and I hope you are too. You’re going to do great things. You have amazing potential to succeed and go wherever you want to go. I know life is endlessly stressful for you in overcoming one challenge after another, but you always come through. you always find your way.  you’re almost out from underneath this gloomy cloud of a breakup with me, and there’s a lot of wonderful things on your very bright horizon.”

It really really really stung to hear him admit to cheating/dating Eyebrow. Of course I knew he did but there was a part of me that couldn’t really believe it until I heard it from him. It tore me up to know without question that she is The Love of His Life and not me … I just feel enormously sad about that. I loved the hell outta that guy and I guess I just could not compare. C’est la vie.

So… there you have it. After almost half a year of feeling anxious and feeling like it was my fault, I can let those insecurities (mostly) go and and find someone who will truly love and appreciate me and my perfectly groomed and perfectly plural eyebrows.

Nick wrote me around March 14 to tell me he hadn’t been receiving checks for our cell phone bill. He said I owed him three months’ worth (about $250). I looked it up and showed him the checks were directly deposited to his account and sent him the confirmation codes. He sheepishly wrote back saying “Oh I see them now, sorry.”

I then wrote him and said maybe it was time he pays me the money he owed me at the time of our break-up. When he broke up with me, he left me with all the car payments (we just got a Prius a few months before and were splitting the payments. I now have to shoulder the whole amount every month which was not something I ever planned or budgeted for) and money he owed me because I bought his plane ticket to Europe. I decided not to make him pay me back my plane ticket for flying to Austin with him just the week before he dumped my ass (I regret this in hindsight because I shelled out $300 because he was too cowardly to tell me he was thinking of leaving me for another girl). He also owes me money for overnight shipping his passport. We made an agreement that he would pay me back after a few months in Austin because moving was expensive. It’s now been over 5 months since he has moved and he has yet to broach the subject.

And still no response to my e-mail, after 2 weeks. I wrote him back immediately when he said I owed him money. But he’s just going to avoid me when I tell him I’d like to start talking repayments?

Jackass. Huge jackass.

I also partially think he has not written back because in my last e-mail I referenced in a subtle way that I know about his girlfriend and that he cheated on me. I am 90% convinced he honestly didn’t think I knew about her.

Again I say, jackass. (Or, as Lauren says, douche canoe!)

Well, I’m gonna write him back today and tell him I want my money and I’m gonna take it and have a great fucking time in Brazil.

A few words of advice from me to you if you’re in a similar situation:

• If you’re the one getting dumped, don’t be so nice. Advocate for yourself about what you think is fair. I was still in denial that we were over when we broke up that I made a ton of concessions because I thought he would notice he was making a mistake for dumping such a nice, generous, understanding person. If I could do it over again, I would’ve asked for more because I deserved more.
• Put everything in writing. E-mail copies to both parties just in case. I’m glad I did.
• Let him try to assuage his guilt in money. I don’t believe in taking anything that is not due to me, but hey, I am left with an extra $400 in expenses every month now because he was dishonest in our relationship. He meanwhile moved onto a job with a $15,000 raise that I helped him get (I found the job, I helped him write his cover letter and resume and I helped him practice his interview for hours. Oh plus I encouraged him to do it because his self-esteem was too low to be ambitious). So when he offered to help pay for my first month of expenses as a single person I shoulda just said “Yes. Because I’m going to be too busy crying and putting back together the life you shattered to be worried about bills.” But I didn’t and I regret that now.

After almost 4 months without communication, Nick e-mailed me tonight. I was at dinner with my brother and his fiance when I checked my phone and saw a new e-mail. His name took me by surprise.

It was basically a message about our phone contract (okay, I admit I still have not canceled our contract … mostly because it will cost me $80 to switch to a new one) - he is having trouble with his account receiving deposits - and said something about being sorry I crashed the car we used to own together.

It wasn’t anything big, significant or apologetic. Go figure.

I sent an e-mail back that was both cavalier and sincere. It addressed his question about the deposit and thanked him in passing for his condolences about my car (in the e-mail he wrote “the car” and I wanted to put him in his place).

And then for whatever reason I basically asked him if we can at least be acquaintances again and talk at some point in the future.

Yeah, I don’t know why I did that either. God help me…