A blog about heartbreak.

Last night Em. and I finally talked and officially ended things. It was the most mature, kind, and honest conversations we have had in the last 7 months. If only we were able to talk with each other like that when we were in the relationship, we probably would not be out of it.

If I learned only one thing from the conversation it was this: I didn’t know shit.

If you asked me to tell the story of our relationship, I would have told you that it’s a story about an insecure Girl who fell for an unavailable Boy. The Girl tried her best to make Boy happy but never felt like she could. Boy didn’t think she was good enough or pretty enough or anything enough to make a commitment to. Girl tried to change but nothing seemed to work. Girl grew resentful because Boy couldn’t give her what she wanted: A relationship. Girl and Boy fell apart. 

Em.’s version of our relationship, however, goes like this: Boy met Girl at a time in his life when he was battered and bruised from his last few relationships and had given up. Boy slowly found himself falling for Girl but was conflicted about it. Boy didn’t know what he wanted and felt guilty about what he could not give. Then Girl started becoming less and less engaged and less and less talkative; she was more quiet and didn’t stand up for herself the way she used to. Boy thought Girl stopped caring and was unhappy, despite her insistence that neither were true.  Boy and Girl fell apart.

But I didn’t know his story until last night. This whole time I thought this was a story about a stubborn and selfish Boy when really it was a story about two people who just were lost to each other in translation.

We talked for a long time and there was a lot that was said – mostly kind reassuring things and things I needed to hear to find closure.

Without going into specifics, here is what I learned from our conversation:

• We agreed we cannot be together because we don’t understand each other’s communication styles and Em. is unable to be in the relationship that I want to have right now.
• We agreed neither of us were perfect in this. We both owned our stuff and took responsibility for where we let each other down.
• Em. did want to be in a relationship with me (during late November-start of January) but then felt I started to change and become more and more withdrawn and quiet (which is true) and that we started having more and more misunderstandings (also true). 
• I thought by hiding so much of myself I would be able to keep him around. Like, if I didn’t disagree with him or if I didn’t bore him with the details of my life, maybe he would like me. Instead, he perceived that I was unhappy and disinterested. He said I changed so much from the girl I was when we first started dating - confident, fun and independent - these last few months. And he was absolutely right; I did because I was trying to hid my flaws from him and be the person I thought he wanted. But he wanted me to be me. I always thought I wasn’t good enough for Em. and that was the crux of it, the reason we couldn’t be in a relationship. Now I see that was insecurity, not reality.
• Em. acknowledged he was at times hurtful and should have treated me better. He said it had just been a long time since he had to consider another person in his life and it was a struggle to get used to it. He said he doesn’t want to date for awhile until he is in a better place to offer more of himself
• I told Em. I wasn’t sad because the relationship we have was ending but because the relationship we could have had is over, too. I know if we were patient with each other and we met at a different time, we coulda been something really great. He agreed.
• We agreed we should have talked about these things as they were happening.

Once we came to a mutual understanding of the last 7 months, we began talking about remaining friends. Em. really wants to stay friends and I know he really means that. I told him I was not so sure it was realistic or healthy. (At this point, he began to tear up which was touching.

I explained it wasn’t because he didn’t matter to me or I didn’t care about him - the exact opposite. It would be so hard for me to see him meet someone and give her something he wasn’t able to give me. It would break my heart, really, to be a bystander to that. (And Em. admitted it would be difficult to see me date someone, too - but that he’d rather hear it from me first than to just sit at home imagining it and going crazy thinking about it, like he would be doing for the next few months. (Do you judge me for being a little happy to hear he is jealous?)

Ultimately, I told Em. that I need some time and space before I could be his friend. I told him I would reach out to him when I am ready to resume a friendship. While I am going to miss him for the next few weeks or months, I know it was the smart decision, to give myself some time to heal and move on from him. It was the type of decision I should have been making for myself over the last 7 months - the decision where I put myself first. 

We hugged goodbye and he told me he hopes to hear from me soon and he’ll miss me a lot. I told him the same and I meant it.

So that’s it. I feel sad but I don’t feel bad - and that’s a crucial difference. While it was delayed, Em. showed me the courtesy my partner of 6 years could not and said goodbye in a way that honored the relationship we had. I know Em. came over to talk because he knew I need closure and the fact he showed that consideration makes breaking up so much easier to take. When we were in the relationship I was never sure he cared but now that we are out of it, I finally know he really did.