A blog about heartbreak.

After this exchange, Em. called me so I would not feel blown off, which was very considerate. He told me we needed to talk and I told him I did not want to have the conversation on the phone. He said he understood and he would come over Friday night.

While we didn’t get into the thick of it, he said the following that kind of broke my heart:

“I didn’t start thinking about ending things because of our disagreement on Thursday night. I started thinking about it when I leaned in to kiss you and you turned your head and pulled away from me. You’ve never done that before. And then I looked back when I got out of the car and you looked so sad as you drove away. I realized I don’t make you happy. You’re not happy with me.”

I was stunned, in part because I wasn’t aware I did that and also because I convinced myself that Em. doesn’t really care about my feelings in all this. But maybe he does, or did, rather. I know tonight we are going to be broken up and it’s going to be hard for me to say goodbye. He said it isn’t goodbye because he still wants to be in my life but I told him I would have to think about it. I don’t think I can just be friends with him and watch him find the next girl and give her all the things he could not give to me. It would hurt like hell to see that. 

Tonight he is coming over for dinner and what I hope is a civil conversation that does justice to our last 7 months together. I’m preparing myself for the shittiest weekend ever when it is over.