A blog about heartbreak.

Last Thursday when I was driving Em. home after a good night, he made a remark that my job as a college advisor is unnecessary and that college students are “so spoiled today.” I told him I disagreed and why. There was nothing about the conversation that was heated or uncivil, though I was offended by what he said. When I dropped him off, he gave me a kiss goodbye and told me not to be upset (gaslighting, gross).

The next day I texted him to say I was sorry if I was sour (in hindsight, I have no idea what I was apologizing for). No response. Friday, Saturday and Sunday went by with no response from him. Finally, Sunday night, I texted him saying “It hurts my feelings when you don’t respond to my texts. If you don’t want to accept my apology, it’s okay to say so but ignoring me just makes me feel unimportant to you.”

I got a text right back saying “Well, you were being passive aggressive and that’s when I shut off.”

I told him I didn’t perceive I was and I apologize because it wasn’t intentional; in my mind we were having a discussion in the car and I was quiet at times because I was trying to formulate a thoughtful response.

Then:

Him: “I need some space right now. These little arguments don’t help my life situation. I’m not abandoning you but I think we should turn things platonic. There’s too much emotional overhead otherwise.”

Me: “You are abandoning me and you are doing it through text. I thought I meant more than that to you and I for sure know I deserve more from you Em. Call me if you want to end things.”

Him: “Oh jeeze, I’m tired and I don’t want to talk about this. See, this is why I just wanted to be silent all along. I’m sorry you feel that way, but you know that you mean a lot to me. I don’t want to end things just CHANGE things, just give me some space please.”

I didn’t respond. I still haven’t. It’s been almost three days. 

I need to be done with this and it needs to end by my doing. He doesn’t treat me well, he puts me down, and he is inconsistent in how he feels about me. One minute I’m his girlfriend, the next we’re “just pals.” I’ve stayed so long because every time I reach my limit, he makes a small change and I convince myself he cares.

I want to say goodbye in person, though. That may sound stupid but I can’t suffer another ending of a relationship without closure.

I’m really going to miss so much about him and us. In some ways, he was the best person I’ve been with; in others, the worst. But that’s the way it always works, right?