A blog about heartbreak.

When you’re in a new relationship, birthdays are a minefield: Do you get them a gift? Do you plan something? Did their friends plan something and will you be invited? Do their friends even know you exist yet?  It’s all a trap!

Today is Em.’s 29th birthday. Last month, he said he didn’t want to do anything for his birthday. I HATE it when people say that! It’s a no-win: If you respect their wishes and don’t plan anything, they’ll think you don’t care or you forgot. If you go against their wishes and do something, they’ll pretend they didn’t want it. (Also, to people who pretend they don’t want to do anything for their birthday: Get over yourself and let your friends buy you a goddamn beer and eat your damn cake)

And then there is the “Am I the person you want to spend your birthday with?” question. Maybe you’d rather be getting beers with your friends than out to dinner with me. Am I being presumptuous by assuming I should plan something and you want to spend the night with me? 

As for the question of getting him a gift, I decided not to. For one, aren’t we a little old to expect gifts? Buy me a beer or take me to dinner - that’s more than kind. In fact, just showing up for my birthday outing is enough of a present for me. Second, any gift I get him would be some reference to an inside joke, which just seems too girlfriend-ly to pull off at this stage in our relationship. 

My compromise to all of the above? A few weeks ago Em., whose family is Turkish, mentioned he really misses Turkish food. We spent a few hours talking about our favorite childhood dishes and reminiscing. So last week I found a Turkish restaurant in Portland that makes some of his favorite dishes and I’m going to get it as take out as a surprise when he comes over for dinner.