A blog about heartbreak.

Em.-

You don’t know this yet, but on Saturday I’m ending things with you. I’m not doing it tonight because you decided to stay home and play some computer game instead of seeing me (sure hope you had fun killing those mystical Elven warlords or whatever). I’m not doing it tomorrow night, either, because I’ve decided to go out with my good friends, the same friends who wore expressions of abject horror when I finally told them tonight about my relationship with you.

I saw in their horrified faces what I’ve been too ashamed and too stupid to admit to myself: You don’t treat me well. 

I’ve been sugar-coating the last few months to them - to everybody - because I was too embarrassed to admit that I allow someone to treat me like you do. I’ve minimized the amount of stress, anxiety and self-doubt your actions have produced in me; how unspecial you have made me feel.

Oh, you want some examples?

I’m so glad you asked. In no particular order, here are some of the reasons I gotta let you go:

1. We have been hanging out for almost five months. Number of times we have been out in public? Once, our first date. Every other occasion has been hanging out in my apartment, eating my food, watching movies on my Netflix account and making a mess I gotta clean up the next day. I have never even seen your apartment and you make four times as much as I do; why don’t you bring the damn beer sometime?
2. The other day you told me that your friends often ask you “Em, why don’t you have a girlfriend?” and you tell them “I don’t need one, I have a special pal!”  I can’t decide which is worse: that you said this to them or that you thought it would be okay to re-tell this to me, without any consideration for how it would make me feel one week after I told you I wanted to be in a relationship with you.
3. This weekend my sister and best friend got married. I mentioned several times it was a big deal for me and I was going to Bellingham for Thanksgiving for my sister’s wedding. When I got back, you didn’t inquire about it. I asked you later if you remembered why I was gone for a week and you said “No, should I?” Yes, Em., you should have. 
4. A few months ago I made a list of things that defined the meaningful relationship I desired in my life. At the top of the list was knowing each other’s middle names without it being awkward to ask. The other night you learned my middle name and when I asked what yours was in return, you said “Penis.” No further comment necessary.
5. I never initiate contact with you. Like, ever. Because the few times I did send a text asking if you wanted to hang out, you ignored me. Not just for an hour or two, but sometimes days. So I now just let you decide when you want to hang out. I wait around like an idiot most evenings waiting for you to contact me. Sorry, but I should not feel anxious at the idea of shooting you a text message to ask if you want to come over after 4+ months.

There you have it, Em. These are the things I’m going to say to you on Saturday… assuming you don’t blow me off for another computer game. 

When I end things, I don’t kid myself that you will be upset. You won’t put up a fight for me, and that’s what really will hurt me. I convinced myself too long that you cared and you would one day come to your senses. I let this behavior happen to me passively, time and time again. I haven’t exercised the self-respect I should’ve. 

Don’t worry about me, Em., I’ll be fine. I’ll be heartbroken for awhile, but it’s sure as hell better than being a broken person, which is what this relationship is doing to me, a little bit every day.

See you Saturday, pal.

B.

p.s. I really really liked you. Why you’d have to go and ruin a good thing?